therainbowsgrey (therainbowsgrey) wrote in silent_torture,
therainbowsgrey
therainbowsgrey
silent_torture

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I'm Ginette 16/female ect. I've depressed for like 5 years now. I was abused by people for a very long time but now thats over and yet I'm still depressed. I don't want to kill myself, but I sometimes want to die. Everything is great and I still hate my life. I feel worthless, like I'm nothing. Only one person knows me well enough to understand me and care. Everyone else is oblivious to the fact that I have feelings. I sleep and have horrible nightmares. I don't really eat. Lately the depression has been more harmful to my being. Don't know why. I suppose I am not even worth anyone's time to read this but I'll post it anyways. P.S. if you read my journal all the real stuff is mostly friends only so just ask me and I'll add you. I'm not a cutter, but I've abused myself emotionally more than one could ever tell. I also don't eat like I said...I'm forced to by my mom and even then. I don't think my life is worth living, and I wish I had the guts to do something drastic so people take the time to realize I am here and that I am not happy. I don't want to be put on anti-depressants however, I hate medication and I'd rather die than be put on ones that change my mood.

Also I often feel like I was never meant to be happy. That is why I'm constantly denied that emotion. Now I just feel like a body, lifeless, and no one cares because of that reason. but i continue on everyday to appease the people who don't even care about me. I hate myself. I always have....maybe I always will.
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  • 2 comments
I totally know how you feel. I was living in an abusive situation for about 3 years or more. Everyday it felt like drudgery to get out of bed and I felt like I was constantly looking for a reason to continue living. I still feel like my life is meaningless. Anyways, living there was torture and I thought that I would be sooo happy once I got out of there...out from under his rule - (my moms ex who we were living with) he has bpd and disassociative disorder which is like a form of multiple personality...translation: he went from extremes of being the most absolutely worst enemy you could ever imagine to being your closest most caring best friend. It is damaging on your emotions and mind...never knowning when he is going to turn...and being stepped on and thrown for a loop constantly. There was never 2 days that past where we didnt have some kind of huge blow out.

But anyways, what im trying to get at is that I am totally understanding you. Being with him led me to start cutting again. And I thought I would be happier once gone. Well we finally are away from him but the depression hasnt went away. Its still here very much with me. I feel the same as you as where Im not suicidal but really dont want to be here living anymore. Maybe that would be different if I knew there wouldnt be people here that I cared for deeply -- too deeply to know that if I left they would be in such emotional pain...I wouldnt want to cause anyone pain like that. So I guess you can say for the sake of them.. i continue day to day.
"Maybe that would be different if I knew there wouldnt be people here that I cared for deeply -- too deeply to know that if I left they would be in such emotional pain...I wouldnt want to cause anyone pain like that. So I guess you can say for the sake of them.. i continue day to day."

I don't think I could have put that into words any better. I never want to dissapoint them not even in death. So I continue living. Which is ironic because they often fail to realize how deeply hurt I am. I've cried in front of them and they cannot see my tears..Literally. Its an unfortunate circumstance because for the sake of everyone I put on a smile everyday only to cry the second I'm alone. I've even developed shakey hands, it gets so bad I look like I have parkinsons....It never stops and I think its because of the way I opress what is really going on in my head. Most of the time I wish that I could be put on a really strong sedative so my mind could be shut off and I could stop thinking forever....