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Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
5:28 pm - The truest pain

Sadly enough we all suffer from something we do not understand. None of us could even comprehend our own nature that carrys over from your childhood lives. Your desire to have what you do not and the easy dissatisfaction with what we already have and have conquered. What is the point to staying in the light? I'll tell you one good reason. The longer you stay in the light and the longer you live the stronger you become. Not a streght that can be seen or noticed but a strenght that builds upon itself and forces the weak to bend unto your will. A strenght that can overbearingly increase all the odds in your favor. There is strenght in loneliness that can not be found anywhere else. I know that people all live to die so whats the point in rushing that fact. Why not give the cage the big "fuck you" and go about living your life how ever you feel like living it. You dont like what you have leave it behind kill it do whatever you want with it. The only you face in the morning when you wake up is yourself as long as yourself can justify you then no one else matters. Love what a childs game what is this love everyone speaks of but a game that occupys time. The true nature of the world was never intended for humans to love one another we are meant to live and then die I love how we added all these things to make us feel better before we die. Its pathetic really.

(bleed me dry)

Monday, June 6th, 2005
10:58 am - The Greatest Illusion, the deepest deception

How is it, that someone could become so utterly blind to the truth, when it's shining in their face like a spotlight? How could someone honestly and sincerely lead themselves on, believing that everything is alright, and that life had bestowed upon your grossely starving belly the sweetest fruits of life. Happiness is so overrated. We live in a world of hurt and tears, so why not conform to the norm? Why put so much effort and give so much of yourself to try to be different from what the "Way life is"? Why try anymore. Why not just bask in the endless sea of your own saddness and find comfort in drowning slowly in your own sea of hurt and dispair. Not not embrace the night finally, giving yourself into its coldness and it's solitude, and giving the light the big FUCK YOU finger as you descend further into the abyss. A soul drawn inward, twards the frigid center of one's own pain, finding the truth in life and love, only in a sea od saddness. A wasteland of doubt consumed by a moon that glows pale without comfort or company. Who even really cares anymore, and why would you even ponder these thoughts that i do now? No one wants to know, or even hear it. I gues i am just another example of someone who lived under a UV light, surrounded by glass, and thought it was a world i lived in. Wonder how it is that i finally came to see that it was a prison i lived in.

(2 bloodstains | bleed me dry)

Friday, April 15th, 2005
6:53 pm - "without the threat the death, there's no reason to live at all..."

I've been searching for a community to belong to, something I can finally be accepted into; since reality seems to be an endless disappointment. I hope to find solace here, and hopefully recieve support from those who will be able to comprehend the insane thoughts, that maybe race through their mind too.
I cut. Because of the control it gives me over the pain. I love to be the one in charge of my own pain, no one has the right to inflict it upon me. The slashes never seem deep enough, because of the fear, and partially because I have no tools to make a cut deep enough. Any suggestions for the best tool at minimum hassle? Music, writing and blood seem to be my only companions these days; pathetic if you ask me.
Well, I only wanted to introduce myself and attempt to be a part of this community; to see and understand how it works, since I know not how they function. I bid you all adeiu, until next time.

"Scar, scar, can you feel my power? One shot and the world gets smaller..."

current mood: numb

(1 bloodstain | bleed me dry)

Monday, April 4th, 2005
7:12 pm

Giuded by something unseen
tortured by merely a dream
This is hard to admit but my own past is haunting me. Each day I live to forget the past and I live to start anew and each day I fail myself falling silent to the screams and chaos that is imposed upon me. When I fight back Fear only fights harder when I give up fear consumes me. Is there no victory without pain, without torture? I have come to find that my fear is my cage and I am the beast and my rage is helpless to the bars that hold me back. So alone I wait for a key, for a giving soul to set me free. Somehow this is fate and nothing can break me of that, but to add to my misery I have people who hold the key at the edge of my cage and taunt me with freedom and tell me to do things, so like a dog I do as I am told and pray that their good nature will set me free but everytime so far all they do is pass the key to another so that they can play with me too. I am becoming starved and soon to be such a beast that I will not be controlled I feel when I am released from this that I will never be the same that I will lose who I once was and become a beast that looks for and kills any that would dare to put me in a cage in my eyes this is all adults have they all fear this cage that I am in and they all will bite anyone and do anything to stay out of it. Funny how that works does anyone know what I mean?

(1 bloodstain | bleed me dry)

Sunday, March 27th, 2005
10:06 pm - My crappy drawing


(1 bloodstain | bleed me dry)

Saturday, March 19th, 2005
10:14 pm

The worst suffering that one could ever endure, is the silent torture. That is why i find it rather ironic that i, being of the particular position that i am in, suffer alone, and in silence. The mask of joy and happiness that i wear, chokes me day in and out, and my face is rubbed raw from the unending friction accompanied by this shroud i wear. In the absence of my emotion, my tears, my cries that i once for so long shared with my true friend and companion, "the night", i now must hold all back, and smile once more where i was alowed once to just allow my misery to gloom through because i was surround by so many other that suffered as much if not more so than i did. I wonder which is the lesser of the two evils; to feel and to suffer knowing you have the pity and regret of all those that encircle you claiming their love and friendship, or to just suffer, and hurt, in the silence of your own torment mind.

(1 bloodstain | bleed me dry)

Thursday, February 17th, 2005
5:31 pm - Um, new.

Hello, my name is Hannah and I am new here, and have no idea what to do.
What shall I say? I am a gril who lives in australia, and I am 14. I don't have a great life, but its a reasonably good one.
My parents aren't divorced (Thogh I wish they were) and I go to a good school, with some pretty great friends. But despite this, I hate my life. I want to die.
There is nothing "so bad" in my life. But I don't see any point in carrying on with it.
Last year, when I was 13, I began to hurt myself intentionally. I have always been morbid, and fascinated by torture and death. When I was little, i would lie in bed on sunday and pretend I was a prisoner and I was being tortured. I would perform little pains on myslef.
My friend Ellie found out I was cutting, but she could do nothing. Some days, I am normal. But lot of days, I hurt for no reason.
What is wrong with me? I hate being like this!
But I have decided that if I do not feel better by the end of next year, I am taking things into my own hands. Either that or I am already dead.
Please help me!

current mood: cold

(8 bloodstains | bleed me dry)

Saturday, February 12th, 2005
2:27 pm

hey guys. i have kind of a stupid question. if you 'cut'
yourself and it doesn't bleed, is it still self harm? i don't know why, but i don't know if it is or isn't.

(8 bloodstains | bleed me dry)

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
3:06 am - Just wanted to say Hi

I found this community, read the posts, and I had to join. I just wanted to say hi, and hopefully I will post something else later.

current mood: depressed

(3 bloodstains | bleed me dry)

Sunday, January 16th, 2005
7:25 pm - Sleeping with your Demons

a friend told me once, not too long ago, "Make friends with your demons, they make excellent Bed Fellow". I thought at the time, that i had, and that i had come to the acceptance that life, for some was just meant to be live in darkness. This has always been a hard truth for me to accept, but now that my eyes have grown accustomed to the eternal night that i know know my soul and mind is perpetually shroaded in, my demons, are not so bad any more. Even though modern medicine has made leaps and bounds, in the treatment and suppression of said demons, they will never be able to completely vanquish them from existance. Maybe, if one lived his life in a state of comatose, intoxicated treatment, they could possibly escape the voices that wisper to them in the silence of the night. Or that they might finally be freed of the memories of events past, that forever repay in the mind, sharper than the last time. Would you want to live like that? Or is it just simply better to accept your suffering, make friends with your misery, and embrace it, for pain is an inevitable part of living. Just as constant as death, it always has been, and always will be right there, shadowing you as you go along through this desolate wasteland of existance. I've befriended my demons, i just never thought that my bed would become so full, once i did.

(bleed me dry)

Saturday, July 17th, 2004
10:29 am

i live my life, like it were a double sided coin. One side, conceiled so that those who look at me, can never see the whole picture of me. Life, in general, has had its more than fair share of downs, especially serving here in Iraq where i've become more distanced and lost to a reality that i thought for so long was not something easily separated from. I'm currently in an open, "poly" marriage, and even though the idea sounds greatly appealing to me, the one is is enjoying all the fruits of this life style is my wife; she gets boyfiends, and i get mortors and RPG's. Lovely. In my experiences here, someone suggested to me that i may be suffering from PTSD, with all that i have seen and done here, i would not put it to the winds of unlikelyhood. I've come to realize, that i like that i have known pain and torments so long in my life, that maybe i can't live without it. Is it my pain that lets me know i am alive, or is it my pains the reason that i am alive. so, i spend my days in a shadow that i have loved to hate, and hated to love.

current mood: lost

(3 bloodstains | bleed me dry)

Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
2:13 am - new

I'm Ginette 16/female ect. I've depressed for like 5 years now. I was abused by people for a very long time but now thats over and yet I'm still depressed. I don't want to kill myself, but I sometimes want to die. Everything is great and I still hate my life. I feel worthless, like I'm nothing. Only one person knows me well enough to understand me and care. Everyone else is oblivious to the fact that I have feelings. I sleep and have horrible nightmares. I don't really eat. Lately the depression has been more harmful to my being. Don't know why. I suppose I am not even worth anyone's time to read this but I'll post it anyways. P.S. if you read my journal all the real stuff is mostly friends only so just ask me and I'll add you. I'm not a cutter, but I've abused myself emotionally more than one could ever tell. I also don't eat like I said...I'm forced to by my mom and even then. I don't think my life is worth living, and I wish I had the guts to do something drastic so people take the time to realize I am here and that I am not happy. I don't want to be put on anti-depressants however, I hate medication and I'd rather die than be put on ones that change my mood.

Also I often feel like I was never meant to be happy. That is why I'm constantly denied that emotion. Now I just feel like a body, lifeless, and no one cares because of that reason. but i continue on everyday to appease the people who don't even care about me. I hate myself. I always have....maybe I always will.

current mood: depressed

(2 bloodstains | bleed me dry)

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
2:10 pm

its been a long week. ive been mad at myself for failure. i took tylenol, 40 altogether and the result? having my stomach pumped. therefore i am still here. i dont no how my parental found out, but she did and i was brought to the fucking hospital. sad to say, my life didnt go down the drain.

(bleed me dry)

Monday, May 24th, 2004
11:08 pm - Everything changes

I sometimes ponder the meaning of life. what does it all mean, and is there even some greater design to our existance, that sometimes feels completely lost and empty. "Born to live, live to suffer: Those who have breathed the roses sweetest scent, knows it's thorns deepest cut." I am involved with a woman, that i have known of ten years. The joining of us two years ago, is a fantasy in itself. But, i married knowing she was poly. I was ok with things then. I have reciently gone on a business trip that is keeping me away from home for a extended period of time. She has become involved in this guy, who also has a open marriage. I thought i could be ok with things, but it just seems that she is always now with him, and she is just brushing me off. The stress of my work has begun to build to levels beyond my conscious ability to cope. I feel so lost and i long for the release of pain and torment. how could i, even though my will to survive, "at least in the biological aspect" seems to be the only thing driving me to live another heartless day. My son, the one pure thing i hold to me. And i wonder, if i will see him any time soon. Will he even still know me as his father? So many questions, and a god to answer them i doubt even exists.

current mood: depressed

(bleed me dry)

Saturday, March 20th, 2004
2:42 am
unusedblade i hate advertising communities in other communities but i just made this one and its in need of some members. lol. sorry to upset anyone.


eeek. its my first community ... ever. I would like it if a few people would join. Thanks and I am really sorry if im pissing anyone off by advertising.

(bleed me dry)

Thursday, February 26th, 2004
5:03 pm - Strawberry Gashed

Hello everyone, I am sorry to make a whole new post about this but its easier for me this way.

I know a few of you were dissapointed when Strawberry Gashed was closed down but we are up and running again.

Remeber, we are a pro self injury website so there are no trigger warnings. If you are quitting self harm then it really isnt the place for you.

I hope to see you all there, were back and I love it!


(bleed me dry)

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
11:40 pm - ahh

fuck. hi... i'm erica, just joined bc, who the hell knows, i need somewhere to say the shit in my head. I feel like shit right now, like i just want to reach inside to make it stop or something. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I am not someone you would think shouldn't be happy... but sometimes it's too hard and it's fucking stupid because I have no real reason to be this upset. I live in fucking Miami, play soccer with a team of my best friends and have a good relationship with my family, so why the hell do i feel like crying? then i think about that and how fucking stupid it is to be upset when nothing is that bad and it just pisses me off more. background - been cutting sporadically for about a year now, but this past two weeks I've cut more than the past 4 months. wtf? ok, sorry, i just really needed somewhere to write this... sorry

current mood: depressed

(bleed me dry)

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
12:19 pm - pro self harm

hello everyone.

I found a new great website called strawberry gashed. Its pro self injury and the people are really friendly, welcoming and supportive.

But remeber; its pro self harm so there are no trigger warnings or annoying people telling you off for expressing anything.

Do join if you want, I have and I love it.

Hope to see you in strawberry gashed.


(bleed me dry)

Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
5:50 pm

Sometimes I feel like there is something going on inside of me I do not know about, that is trying to kill me
I do nothing to stop it... too apathetic
I come home drained and physically ill from a day where every word I speak is to satisfy another person rather then myself
Therefore, am I not a person?
The Taste is always good in my mouth.. but acidic to my mind
Starvation in comfort
Why do I continue on in this unfullfilling existance?
Mentality can be so damaging... I still am under the impression that every person feels the same way as me
So if all the shit was cut out of life then maybe the reality of what a human being is could come into focus
Remembering the past... it seemed like I had so many emotions
Then I remind myself of that cutting feeling inside, and am glad I am absolutely numb to the world
Expose myself? Fuck that...excuse me, I like boys..oh wait, girls too
Is that socially acceptable? No, nothing ever is
I recently turned 18... so why does life feel like it's slowly ending rather then beginning?
Thy drugs are quick..... but not potent enough
Well, good to be joining the community,
Drop me a line to answer some of these question,
or to just tell me I suck or fucking rock,
or whatever ~ Sarah

current mood: cold

(2 bloodstains | bleed me dry)

10:05 pm

okay hi, im new here.. my boyfriend and i broke up on saturday night, cuz hes a musician and we wudnt see eachother, and his thoughts and feelings for me were getting in the way of his music. he said he wants to get back together when hes less busy but i duno..

i cant stop crying. I love him so much, and i miss him like mad. n i was checkin out his faceparty thing cuz i wanted to look at him sum more.. and hed described himself as.."a little too tall with no time for a relationship" and hed changed his relationship status, n he had me in as his perfect partner.. he changed that too...

i cant help feeling just shit. cuz he told me, he fucking told me he loved me, and he didnt want to break up. maybe im being stupid. I know his music comes first, maybe its his way of coping. tryin to forget me, or push me aside. but that dusnt work. i feel so crap. ive never ever felt like that about anyone. not even my first love.
n now im findin it incredibly difficult to get out of bed this week n face the world...

at times i wish id never fallen in love with him, cuz this hurts so much, but im glad i did, cuz i experienced something new.. it wasnt planned.. it just happend.. he came into my life and totally sweeped me off my feet... and the month we were together, a real couple, it just flew.. n i cudnt get enough of him. i knew i was crazy about him, but i didnt think i was that in love.
so in love that i cant stop crying..
and ive cried so much ive had a headache for 3 days...
i feel so fucking empty
and sick..

everything goes wrong. every fucking thing. why can i not be happy? just once more..with him.

current mood: crushed

(bleed me dry)

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