The truest pain

Sadly enough we all suffer from something we do not understand. None of us could even comprehend our own nature that carrys over from your childhood lives. Your desire to have what you do not and the easy dissatisfaction with what we already have and have conquered. What is the point to staying in the light? I'll tell you one good reason. The longer you stay in the light and the longer you live the stronger you become. Not a streght that can be seen or noticed but a strenght that builds upon itself and forces the weak to bend unto your will. A strenght that can overbearingly increase all the odds in your favor. There is strenght in loneliness that can not be found anywhere else. I know that people all live to die so whats the point in rushing that fact. Why not give the cage the big "fuck you" and go about living your life how ever you feel like living it. You dont like what you have leave it behind kill it do whatever you want with it. The only you face in the morning when you wake up is yourself as long as yourself can justify you then no one else matters. Love what a childs game what is this love everyone speaks of but a game that occupys time. The true nature of the world was never intended for humans to love one another we are meant to live and then die I love how we added all these things to make us feel better before we die. Its pathetic really.

The Greatest Illusion, the deepest deception

How is it, that someone could become so utterly blind to the truth, when it's shining in their face like a spotlight? How could someone honestly and sincerely lead themselves on, believing that everything is alright, and that life had bestowed upon your grossely starving belly the sweetest fruits of life. Happiness is so overrated. We live in a world of hurt and tears, so why not conform to the norm? Why put so much effort and give so much of yourself to try to be different from what the "Way life is"? Why try anymore. Why not just bask in the endless sea of your own saddness and find comfort in drowning slowly in your own sea of hurt and dispair. Not not embrace the night finally, giving yourself into its coldness and it's solitude, and giving the light the big FUCK YOU finger as you descend further into the abyss. A soul drawn inward, twards the frigid center of one's own pain, finding the truth in life and love, only in a sea od saddness. A wasteland of doubt consumed by a moon that glows pale without comfort or company. Who even really cares anymore, and why would you even ponder these thoughts that i do now? No one wants to know, or even hear it. I gues i am just another example of someone who lived under a UV light, surrounded by glass, and thought it was a world i lived in. Wonder how it is that i finally came to see that it was a prison i lived in.

"without the threat the death, there's no reason to live at all..."

I've been searching for a community to belong to, something I can finally be accepted into; since reality seems to be an endless disappointment. I hope to find solace here, and hopefully recieve support from those who will be able to comprehend the insane thoughts, that maybe race through their mind too.
I cut. Because of the control it gives me over the pain. I love to be the one in charge of my own pain, no one has the right to inflict it upon me. The slashes never seem deep enough, because of the fear, and partially because I have no tools to make a cut deep enough. Any suggestions for the best tool at minimum hassle? Music, writing and blood seem to be my only companions these days; pathetic if you ask me.
Well, I only wanted to introduce myself and attempt to be a part of this community; to see and understand how it works, since I know not how they function. I bid you all adeiu, until next time.

"Scar, scar, can you feel my power? One shot and the world gets smaller..."
  • Current Music
    The Reflecting God - Marilyn Manson

(no subject)

Giuded by something unseen
tortured by merely a dream
This is hard to admit but my own past is haunting me. Each day I live to forget the past and I live to start anew and each day I fail myself falling silent to the screams and chaos that is imposed upon me. When I fight back Fear only fights harder when I give up fear consumes me. Is there no victory without pain, without torture? I have come to find that my fear is my cage and I am the beast and my rage is helpless to the bars that hold me back. So alone I wait for a key, for a giving soul to set me free. Somehow this is fate and nothing can break me of that, but to add to my misery I have people who hold the key at the edge of my cage and taunt me with freedom and tell me to do things, so like a dog I do as I am told and pray that their good nature will set me free but everytime so far all they do is pass the key to another so that they can play with me too. I am becoming starved and soon to be such a beast that I will not be controlled I feel when I am released from this that I will never be the same that I will lose who I once was and become a beast that looks for and kills any that would dare to put me in a cage in my eyes this is all adults have they all fear this cage that I am in and they all will bite anyone and do anything to stay out of it. Funny how that works does anyone know what I mean?

(no subject)

The worst suffering that one could ever endure, is the silent torture. That is why i find it rather ironic that i, being of the particular position that i am in, suffer alone, and in silence. The mask of joy and happiness that i wear, chokes me day in and out, and my face is rubbed raw from the unending friction accompanied by this shroud i wear. In the absence of my emotion, my tears, my cries that i once for so long shared with my true friend and companion, "the night", i now must hold all back, and smile once more where i was alowed once to just allow my misery to gloom through because i was surround by so many other that suffered as much if not more so than i did. I wonder which is the lesser of the two evils; to feel and to suffer knowing you have the pity and regret of all those that encircle you claiming their love and friendship, or to just suffer, and hurt, in the silence of your own torment mind.

Um, new.

Hello, my name is Hannah and I am new here, and have no idea what to do.
What shall I say? I am a gril who lives in australia, and I am 14. I don't have a great life, but its a reasonably good one.
My parents aren't divorced (Thogh I wish they were) and I go to a good school, with some pretty great friends. But despite this, I hate my life. I want to die.
There is nothing "so bad" in my life. But I don't see any point in carrying on with it.
Last year, when I was 13, I began to hurt myself intentionally. I have always been morbid, and fascinated by torture and death. When I was little, i would lie in bed on sunday and pretend I was a prisoner and I was being tortured. I would perform little pains on myslef.
My friend Ellie found out I was cutting, but she could do nothing. Some days, I am normal. But lot of days, I hurt for no reason.
What is wrong with me? I hate being like this!
But I have decided that if I do not feel better by the end of next year, I am taking things into my own hands. Either that or I am already dead.
Please help me!
  • Current Music
    Missing- Evanescene

(no subject)

hey guys. i have kind of a stupid question. if you 'cut'
yourself and it doesn't bleed, is it still self harm? i don't know why, but i don't know if it is or isn't.
  • Current Music
    Hooks and Splinters by Otep

Sleeping with your Demons

a friend told me once, not too long ago, "Make friends with your demons, they make excellent Bed Fellow". I thought at the time, that i had, and that i had come to the acceptance that life, for some was just meant to be live in darkness. This has always been a hard truth for me to accept, but now that my eyes have grown accustomed to the eternal night that i know know my soul and mind is perpetually shroaded in, my demons, are not so bad any more. Even though modern medicine has made leaps and bounds, in the treatment and suppression of said demons, they will never be able to completely vanquish them from existance. Maybe, if one lived his life in a state of comatose, intoxicated treatment, they could possibly escape the voices that wisper to them in the silence of the night. Or that they might finally be freed of the memories of events past, that forever repay in the mind, sharper than the last time. Would you want to live like that? Or is it just simply better to accept your suffering, make friends with your misery, and embrace it, for pain is an inevitable part of living. Just as constant as death, it always has been, and always will be right there, shadowing you as you go along through this desolate wasteland of existance. I've befriended my demons, i just never thought that my bed would become so full, once i did.